1. Act with good will and assume good intentions.
Covenants are defined differently depending upon the context in which the word is used. In everyday use, it is simply a synonym for an agreement – frequently formally phrased – between two or more people to do something. As used in law, it is an incidental part of an agreement. The UUA defines covenant as “the silk that joins Unitarian Universalist congregations, communities, and individuals togethim in a web of interconnection.”
For me, an important part to remember of the UUA’s definition is that congregations, communities, and individuals will always include, well, me. To include ourselves should be obvious – and maybe to you it is – but all too often I know I have had to reorient my thinking in a situation where I became so concerned with others acting with good will and intentions that I lost sight that my first priority was to make certain I was consciously practicing them. A fair number of times, I hadn’t and didn’t until I reassessed my thinking. The difficulty is in understanding and accepting that what is considered good for one might not be considered good by another, and vice-versa.
Several years ago, this was made painfully clear to me when I had a difficult confrontation with a manager. He had had complaints of being verbally abusive (which, frankly, he was) lodged against him with the human resources department. Even though I was not one of those who had lodged a complaint, he confronted me believing I had spearheaded them, and no matter what I said he wouldn’t believe me. Finally, after delivering a blistering harangue, he told me to give him one good reason why he should believe me. I told him that I couldn’t. That he’d already decided not to believe me and didn’t appear to be open to other possibilities. I then said a better question would be why shouldn’t he believe me? That was when I was told to leave his office.
Did he act with good will and good intentions? Certainly, I don’t think so, and I suspect you’ll agree. But, did I? Almost as soon as he began the meeting I went into defensive mode thinking that he is wrong, I’m right and that’s that.
I’ll never know for certain what he intended for an outcome to the meeting, but what I knew then and still know is that being on the same page during a confrontation is rarely the case, and that as soon as I distance myself from the first tenet, I have all but given up on getting even close to consensus.
What can one do in those instances? Simple solution: Follow the first tenet with an open mind and practice your own good intentions toward resolution. Should you find yourself in such a situation at SUUS, and cannot come to a mutually agreeable conclusion, please go to the Health Relationships Committee (Dan Mirandi and Laura Kasprow) for their help. All of us can only do our best and be in right relations when we address each situation with good will and assuming good intentions on both sides.